


Swords Are Much Like Spears and Shafts and 'Members of Society'

by ILookDaftWithOneShoe



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dick Jokes, Loki is an agent of chaos, M/M, Swordfighting, Tony is done with his life, and buttfuckery but we don't talk about that, cracky i think, here you go friend, it's not not cracky okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-18
Updated: 2013-09-18
Packaged: 2017-12-26 23:06:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/971355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILookDaftWithOneShoe/pseuds/ILookDaftWithOneShoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Was it Tony's fault Loki's goddamn tunic looked like a minidress? Or that the boots and tights he'd been wearing with it made him look like an anime girl? And that Tony may or may not have implied that Loki was a little camp?</em>
</p><p>Or, Tony insults Loki's heterosexuality (which is apparently equatable to his honour) and Thor is just offended enough to make them duel. Loki seems to think insulting Tony's dick is appropriate conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swords Are Much Like Spears and Shafts and 'Members of Society'

**Author's Note:**

  * For [laireshi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/laireshi/gifts).



> Here you go, *struggles with name* Kate/Kasha/iloome/INTERNET PERSON
> 
> She was the 1000th comment in my inbox, I mentioned it to her, she gave me a prompt of swordfighting, and I wrote a thing that was probably not what she was looking for.
> 
> Here you go. It's all yours.

Tony didn't mean anything by it.

He really didn't.

Sometimes words just left his mouth and they weren't necessarily the correct words for the situation. It was just a need to fill empty space.

Also, Tony's knowledge of Asgardian culture was a little flaky in places. Read, very flaky. Everywhere.

As he was learning, very quickly, jokes about the heterosexuality (or possible lack of it) of Asgard's younger prince was enough to invoke the scorching ire of Asgard's elder prince.

Was it Tony's fault Loki's goddamn tunic looked like a minidress? Or that the boots and tights he'd been wearing with it made him look like an anime girl? And that Tony may or may not have implied that Loki was a _little_ camp?

Yes, admittedly, Tony had called Loki's sexuality into question. But dragging Loki from the other side of the planet onto Tony's balcony at Stark Tower just to uphold his honour was really just annoying.

Oh, and did he mention?

They were settling this the old-fashioned way.

Tony's hands were wrapped around the hilt of an arming sword, clumsily gripping, with Loki nonchalantly leaning against a  wall with his own blade held elegantly in one hand and a rather _haute couture_ (and probably mostly ornamental, judging by the gold swirly bits) shield on the other arm.

A fight until Loki's honour was upheld. Oh joy. Tony, with his summer camp's experience of fencing, was not feeling so happy.

Thor had firmly told Tony that since Loki's specialty weapons were knives and spears and he'd not trained with a sword for hundreds of years, Tony should be in with a fighting chance.

Ha. Haha. Very funny. Loki looked like that sword was a particularly pointy toothpick and Tony was his shrimp to stab.

"Don't I get a shield?" Tony asked uncomfortably.

"That shield offers Loki no advantage," Thor said.

Ah, so it was just for show.

It was practically a handbag, but thoughts like that were what had gotten Tony into this mess to start with.

"Clasp hands," Thor commanded.

Loki slunk forward, offering his swordless hand to Tony, who stepped up and took it awkwardly.

"You will honour the rules of engagement," Thor warned Loki. "This is not a matter to be taken lightly."

Tony's face was closer to Loki's than he used to, and he could swear Loki's eyes were actually laughing at him.

"Stark, I've always imagined you to be one who does not wield a shaft effectively," Loki said lowly enough that Thor probably didn't hear him.

For a moment, Tony was about to crack a joke about alternate meanings of _shaft,_ but the amused curl to the corner of Loki's mouth - the bastard - showed that he already knew.

It was going to be one of those kinds of battles.

Loki did that. Loki had days when he just burned down everything in some kind of lethal burst of what was probably teenage angst, but he also had days when he turned whole streets to candy and cheerily insulted the Avengers as they tried to hunt him down, and this seemed to be the latter.

Which was good, because the former would result in grievious body injury for Tony.

"Step back," Thor commanded, and Loki dutifully took half a dozen steps backwards. Tony copied him.

"Thor, can I just buy him a pair of rollerskates or-" Tony said.

"Engage," Thor said in a very final way.

Tony hated him. Tony hated everyone who wasn't intervening. This included all the Avengers, who were watching with amusement.

Loki stood there boredly, examining the blade of his sword.

"Well," Tony said awkwardly. "Aren't we supposed to fight?"

Suddenly, Loki lunged forward, and Tony dove backwards, tripping and falling on his ass.

Back to the unconcerned look, Loki said "Yes, but unfortunately, I have no worthy opponent."

Tony scrambled to his feet, readjusted his grip and brought his sword into what he thought was somewhere near an offensive position.

"Bring it on, Prancer," he said.

This time Loki deemed to take him seriously, going for a lazy slash that Tony rebounded with ease.

_Hey, not too bad._

"That's right," Tony grinned. "Tony Stark, billionaire, genius, playboy, philanthropist, and now master of your freaky medieval weaponry."

Loki slashed again, this time with a slight amount of effort. Moving quickly, Tony blocked it, and even went for a shallow stab of his own, which Loki batted away disinterestedly.

"A master, hm?" Loki said. "I'd be happy to give you a lesson in giving a more powerful thrust with your spear. I sense you're out of practice."

_Did he just...?_

Loki feinted, did a clever quickstep and smacked Tony on the leg with the flat of his blade mockingly.

"And you claim to be of high status, but I would have guessed you to have one of the smaller members in society," Loki said, innocent.

He _did._

Loki making dick jokes. In front of Thor, who wasn't noticing.

The Avengers were. Clint was trembling with held-in laughter and Natasha and Bruce's smirks sent ripples through the universe. Steve seemed woefully oblivious.

Loki's eyes darted to the side to see if Thor was catching on.

"Do not play with him, brother," Thor replied.

As Loki was distracted, Tony saw an opportunity for a quick jab. He almost hit Loki's thigh when Loki parried, did a sharp riposte and flicked Tony's sword out of his hand.

"Pick up your sword, Stark," Loki teased. "I want to give you the opportunity to properly defend your manhood."

"Oh, you'll know all about my manhood in a minute," Tony said in frustration, scooping his sword up and properly giving the fight a go.

"I look forward to it," Loki said, a salacious note in his tone, before dropping a foot back, ready to parry.

Loki stayed on the defensive as Tony slashed, jabbed, struck; what he lacked in skill he made up for in enthusiasm, and while he probably wasn't about to beat Loki, the god was at least working now.

He still had time to make a few more jokes, including the classic "My sword is longer than yours," (which was admittedly true, though not in the sense Loki meant it) followed up by "It gives me an advantage in reach," to not clue Thor in.

Loki putting in a jab, Tony deflected it with a swipe, his hands growing slick on the handle with sweat.

He was getting a hang of this now, and despite the situation, quite enjoying himself.

 _Maybe I should take this up as a hobby,_ Tony thought.

Having a little more confidence now, Tony shuffled back, making Loki follow him, before feinting to one side, then diving to the other and managing to catch Loki on the elbow with his blade.

But Tony was getting tired; he couldn't keep this up.

Loki stopped and looked at the little hole in his sleeve and the slight nick Tony had made in his skin. Fixing Tony with a very (ridiculously) serious look, he growled "How dare you. Perhaps I underestimated your control of the thrust of your ... blade."

"Oh, shut it, Reindeer Games," Tony said as Clint finally starting laughing out loud.

"Brother, if you do not finish the duel when you have the opportunity, I must award the victory to Tony," Thor warned.

Loki rolled his eyes, growled some vitriol about rejection of brotherhood, and threw his shield at Thor. Literally, pulled it off his arm and winged it at his brother, who let it bounce off his bicep resignedly.

Then he turned to Tony, spread his arms, and said "Pound me, Stark."

Thor, well, Thor thought he meant it in the literal sense. Not in the ass sense.

But Tony definitely caught the reference and felt violated. Brain bleach.

The engineer lifted his sword again, and made to try another feint with Loki, who didn't even bother to bite the lure and just stood there while Tony stabbed him in the thigh.

It wasn't a deep cut, Loki was a _god_ and therefore made of tougher stuff, but Tony was shocked that he'd actually managed to hit the quick, lithe creature. Loki had let him, obviously, but still.

Loki healed the cut with a wave of his hand and then flopped dramatically to the ground. "True blood has been drawn," he deadpanned. "Oh the pain and indignity. My honour shall never be reinstated after all. What a pity, and against such a worthy opponent."

Needless to say, the other Avengers were in hysterics by this point. Tony and Thor were a little less than amused.

Tony leaned down over Loki. "Well, I can add 'master of swords' to my resume. Not that I need one. Are you done with your little drama?"

"Not quite," Loki admitted, before shooting out a ridiculously quick hand and yanking Tony down on top of him.

Tony tried to wriggle away, but he was pressed against Loki's chest and feeling sincerely scared. Loki wasn't exactly predictable.

Loki tilted his head to purr directly into Tony's ear. "I was entirely sincere in my offers to teach you to wield your...sword...better, you know."

Tony jerked back and yelped "Thor, your brother is _really gay!"_

Loki suddenly vanished from under Tony and helped him to his feet, clasping his hands as they had when the battle had started.

"Friend Tony," Thor said in a way that warned that the 'friend' part could change for the worse. "Do not think that, just because you won your battle through Loki's mischief, that you are now allowed to disrespect my family as you please."

Tony, angry at how Loki had just tricked him, tried to get out words to justify himself, but Loki just leaned down, kissed Tony on the cheek - making Tony flinch because _supervillain lips on his face_ \- and vanished.

Thor looked even more irritated than he had when Tony had first infringed his 'family honour'. The duel had solved little.

 _Gods of goddamn Mischief,_ Tony thought, before storming inside to get a drink. He was done here.


End file.
